


room where it happens;

by MistyMoon



Series: (almost) dead (almost) poets [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, also an oc called matsui kaiyo, idk if i tag her as characters or not pls tell me, implied ushisemi once again, who will appear on many other fics in this series btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 22:49:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6169717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyMoon/pseuds/MistyMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wasn't supposed to mean that much to you; she wasn't even supposed to mean anything.<br/>But the moment she decides to leave you (you were the one who asked, you were the one who did it), you can't pretend she's no one to you.<br/>And you hate that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	room where it happens;

**Author's Note:**

> im back lmao i forgot this series existed - fyi the order of the fics in the series might change every time i upload a new one so id recommend rereading the entire thing once im done with it.  
> so uh this might be confusing since its the first time i bring kaiyo into the equation and things get v messy w her but everything will make more sense later (i hope)  
> if anything just ask me who tf is kaiyo and what is she doing here on [tumblr](https://hhanamakis.tumblr.com/ask)

Cold fingers tend to your cuts, bandaging them with care.  
"You don't need to do this, you know," your voice cracks a little at the last word.  
"I know," he says, still looking down at your arms. "but it's either this or your mother finding out."  
And we both know which one's the better option, he doesn't say.  
It's hell, this thing between you. Has been, ever since he found out. Ever since he decided not to leave you.  
Hell. Absolute hell.  
You wish he would've left you. You wish he didn't feel like he needed to take care of you. You wish he didn't feel responsible.  
You wish he hadn't taken you to the hospital that night.  
-  
He doesn't tell your mother like you thought he would.  
He lies to her, tells her nothing happened, tells her there's nothing to worry about.  
You hate it. You hate when he lies for you, when he smiles and says everything's alright.  
You hate when he lies just for _your_ sake, for _your_ protection.  
The worst part is that you know he won't stop, not even if you tell him to.  
You feel a burn deep inside and, oddly, it burns.  
-  
"It's your fault, you know."  
You wake up in your room, and she's sitting on your table. You don't notice, but there's nothing on it.  
"It's your fault he's lying, keeps lying." she was speaking in a serious tone, something she almost never did. The last time you remember, was when she called you at 3AM to tell you she hated the color white, hated how it made people look angel-like. She spent almost an hour expressing her hatred for white and for people who used white, specially on New Year, because it brought "good luck". Black was an equally good color.  
She was wearing white today, though.  
"And you're thinking about my dress. Because that's why you're here after all; to forget about your fuck ups and play with me, like we always do," she sighed before continuing. "But this is the third time I've seen you this month and I can feel everyone getting worried."  
"It's not your problem."  
"Yeah you're right. But it's yours and I'm just trying-."  
"I don't want help, thanks," you interrupted her. You didn't want to know what she was going to say, not when you knew where this conversation was headed.  
She was silent. There's not much to say in a situation like this.  
"Go back."  
"Kaiyo-"  
"I don't want you here. Go."  
It's not like you had a choice.  
-  
You were livid.  
You've always had two options: stay with them, or stay with Kaiyo.  
You almost always chose the latter, because it was easier with her than it was with them.  
But now, now they were both equally bad. If you picked them, you'd be miserable. If you picked her, you'd be miserable.  
It wasn't fair.  
You were just trying to escape from reality for a bit; with Kaiyo, everything was simple. You played a game, talked about the oh so mysterious meaning of life, and then you'd be back to reality, until you met again.  
She was taking everything more seriously, though. What you were trying to do was wrong, yes, but you just couldn't see why not do it. Yes, doing it might end up killing you one day, but _that's the objective_. It has been for almost three years.  
Why couldn't they understand that? What was so complicated about it? Why couldn't they just accept that you weren't going to stop? Why couldn't she?  
Why couldn't they understand everything was fine exactly the way it was?  
It was infuriating.  
-  
You couldn't get her out of your mind.  
Even if you were only thinking about how unfair she was being to you, you were still thinking about her.  
She never told you to leave; you always did that by yourself. This was new, different.  
You couldn't get the words "I don't want you here" out of your mind.  
-  
You started counting the days. Four, five days without seeing her. Soon, those days turned into weeks, that eventually turned into months.  
According to your memory, it's been two months since she told you to leave. Two whole months. You've probably went through longer periods of time without her.  
Though, right now, you're missing her so much, those months feel like years, decades.  
You didn't feel _empty_ , but she was still a part of you. A part that felt like it was missing.  
You never felt like she mattered that much, like she made a big difference in your life. You thought she was just a friend that sometimes helped you. Just that.  
You only find out you were wrong when she disappears.  
She's angry, you knew that, but it still felt unfair. You were rude to her, yes. You turned down her help without thinking about it first, yes. But she was forcing all this guilt on you, what did she expect you to do? You were perfectly aware of what you were doing to the others, but if you cared, you would've done something about it. She's not your mother, she doesn't need to help you solve your problems.  
It's not like you've tried to make her understand, because you haven't, not at all, but you wish she didn't need you to understand.  
Well, there's no chance of making her understand now.  
You wish things between you two were simpler.  
-  
This was hell on earth. You couldn't handle it anymore.  
They weren't the same as her, they would never be. You needed her, and only her. But that need was useless; there was nothing you could do to make her take back what she said.  
Maybe if...  
No. It wasn't needed.  
That would never be needed.  
-  
You have to admit; it was a tempting idea.  
(it'll make her understand)  
(she won't ignore you)  
(she'll have to listen)  
(she has to listen, _has to_ )  
(it's quick and easy)  
(you can't get it wrong)  
(it will work)  
( _you need to trust us eita_ )  
A very, _very_ tempting idea indeed.


End file.
